:D Hi Folks,
let`s have a little bit fun :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81szj1vpEu8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81szj1vpEu8)
:sun: SEARCHER
:D
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went.
She said, "I think I broke his gambling".
The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."
"DAMN!" said the father.
"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"
:sun: SEARCHER
:ptdr: :ptdr: a smart boy
:lol:
Portugal
A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room.
''Diploma,'' the friend calls after her, ''bring us two cups of coffee.''
''Diploma? What an odd name,'' says the visitor. ''How did she get it?''
The friend sighs. ''I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that's what she came back with.''
:ptdr:
Europe tour on jokes
Portugal
On Spaniards – "- How do you recognize a Spaniard in a library?" "- He is the only one to look after a world map of Madrid "
Spain
On Portuguese and Galician – "Portugal is the only country in the world where a man's mistress is uglier than his wife"
France
On Belgians – "Two Belgians are driving a truck and arrive at a bridge with a warning sign: maximum height 4 meters. They get off and measure their truck. It's 6 meters high. "What shall we do?" asks the one. "I don't see any police" says the other one "so let's drive on""
Luxembourg
On Belgians – "Helicopter crashes in a Belgian cemetery. The rescue teams have already found 100 dead people."
Beligum
On French – "-Why do we say 'going to the toilets' in France and 'going to the toilet' in Belgium ?""- Because in France, you have to visit many of them before finding one clean enough".
On Dutch – "- Why do the Dutch people love the Belgian-jokes so much?"
"- They are cheap".
United-Kingdom
On Ireland – "Then there was the cross-eyed Irish teacher who resigned because he had no control over his pupils."
Ireland
On English – "- What does an Englishman do for thrills?" "- Eats an After Eight mint at 7:30".
Norway
On Swedes – "Ole (Norwegian) and Sven (Swedish) went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish. Ole says, "The way I figger it, Sven, each of them fish cost us $400 !". "Well, at dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did," says Sven.
Sweden
On Norwegians – "-How do you say 'genius' in Norway?" "- A tourist"
On Danes – "- Why do Danish people never play hide and seek?" "- Because nobody wants to look for them"
On Finns – "The difference between a Finnish wedding and a Finnish funeral is that at a funeral there's one person not having vodka."
Finland
On Swedes – "- What is the difference between Swedes and Finns?" "-The Swedes have nice neighbors!"
Denmark
On Swedes – "Keep Denmark clean – show a Swede to the ferry."
On other Scandinavians – "Two men were sitting on a bench in a park. The first was drunk, and the other was also Finn. "
Iceland
On Danes – "Hey, I'm Danish"
Netherlands
On Belgians – "- Why wasn't Jesus born in Belgium?" "-God couldn't find three wise men in Belgium".
Germany
On Poles – " – What do you call it when 2 whites are pushing a car?" "-White Power" "-What do you call it when 2 blacks are pushing a car?" "- Black Power" "- What do you call it when 2 Poles are pushing a car?" "- Grand theft auto"
Poland
On Germany – "- What is the name of this German who always hides my glasses?" "-Alzheimer, grandpa!"
Switzerland
On Austrians – "Why is the Austrian flag 'red-white-red'?" "- So that they can't raise it upside-down".
On Belgians – "Did you know the Belgian Ministry of Transport has introduced a new sign?
It reads "End of Roundabout".
Italy
On Italians – "- What do you call an Italian with his hands in his pocket?" "- A mute"
Austria
On Germans – "The Prime Ministers of Germany and Austria met to exchange notes. "How are things in Germany?" asked the Prime Minister of Austria. The German sighed, "Well, in Germany the situation is serious," he said, "but not hopeless." "In Austria the situation is hopeless," the Austrian Prime Minister replied, "but not serious.""
Czech Republic
On Slovakians – "The Slovak language has been invented by Stur has he was drunk and tried to translate Russian to Czech"
Slovakia
On Czech – "A Slovak man, a Polskie man and a Czech man buy German cars. The Slovak man buys a Mercedes-Benz, The Polskie man buys a BMW. And the Czech man buys a Trabant".
Lithuania
On Estonians – "-Why is that in Estonia young mothers change their children's nappy only once a day?" "-Because there is a note written on the packet: up to 4 kg."
Latvia
On Estonians – "In the film "Matrix" the stand-in of the main character Neo was Estonian."
On Latvians – "-Why are Latvians the best in the world ?" "-Because our living standard is twice as bad than that of Estonians, but we laugh about them twice as loud."
Estonia
On Finns – "- How do you know that you're talking to an extrovert Finn?" "- When conversing with you, he's looking at your feet instead of his own"
Hungary
On Scotsmen – "Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbours."
Ukraine
On Moldavians – "A father and child are in a museum discussing the theory of evolution when the child asks if Moldovians evolved from apes. The father reminds the child that apes evolved from Moldovians."
On (new) Russians – "Two New Russians: "- Look, I bought a tie for 3 thousand bucks!" "- Idiot, I saw the same tie for 5 thousand bucks round the corner!"
Romania
On Hungarians – "- How do you get a Hungarian out of the bath tub?" "-Throw in a bar of soap".
On Albanians – "- How can you stop an Albanian tank?" "- You shoot the soldier that is pushing it".
On Scotsmen – "McManus donates a lot of money to charity but likes to remain anonymous. He even forgets to sign his name on the cheques."
On Romanians – "-What is small, dark, and knocking at the door?" "- The future
Moldova
On Ukrainians – "In USA, "C" means cold, "H" hot. In Western Europe, red means hot & blue means cold. In Ukraine, blue is "voda" and red is "nema"
On Romanians – "What's big, black, noisy, makes a lot of smoke and cuts carrots in five?" "-The Romanian machine for cutting carrots in four".
Slovenia
On Bosnians – "A Slovene, a Bosnian and a Montenegrin run a 100-meter race. The Slovene wins. Why? The Montenegrin gave up, and the Bosnian lost his way.
Serbia
On Bosnians – "Mujo, haven't you heard, the male gorilla in the Sarajevo Zoo is seriously ill and the female gorilla is going crazy without sex. They are now looking for somebody to replace the male gorilla and they are willing to pay up to 5,000 marks!" says Suljo. Mujo responds, "Oh yes, I heard, but where will I find 5,000 marks?"
On Montenegrins – "Why did the Montengrin become so lazy? Because the Bosnian once said to him: "Let me explain..."
On Albanians – "An Albanian goes in a shopping area to sell some clothes he had stolen previously, but another thief robs him. When he returns home his wife asks him: – "So, did you earn anything?" – "No," – replies the thief, "this time I sold at cost price!""
Croatia
On Bosnians – ""I think, therefore I am," says a Bosnian and disappears without a trace."
Bosnia and Herzegovina
On Germans – "A Bosnian interviews for a job in Germany. "Where are you from?" asks the employer. "From Bosnia!" "Oh, I know," says the German, "you Bosnians are known to be lazy." "Oh no, sir," responds the Bosnian, "those are the Montenegrins. We Bosnians are stupid!"
On Bosnians – "Fata is taken by intensive care in city hospital. Mujo is waiting for doctor in front of main entrance. Doctor came out and talked to Mujo: – "Your Fata is not looking good" – "Doctor, I know that, but she is good cooker, she is good with our children and that is the reason why she is my wife"
Bulgaria
On Macedonians – "- What do you call a Bulgarian trying to understand Macedonian history/matters?" – A person without a chance".
On Bulgarians – "Why don't people from Gabrovo buy refrigerators?" "- Because they can't be sure the light goes off when the door's closed".
Albania
On Greeks – "- What do you call a greek with 300 hundred wifes?" "- A Shepherd"
Macedonia
On Greeks – "A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics". The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.""
Greece
On Albanians – "- What's the fastest thing in Kosovo?" "- An Albanian with your TV" "- And what's the second fastest thing in Kosovo?" "- His cousin with your VCR".
Turkey
On Greeks – "A Greek and a Turki were sitting at a party. Someone told a turkish Joke and the Greek guy got offended. The Greek guy walked up to the Turki and asked him, "Don't you get offended when you hear these Turki jokes." The Turki replied, "for you they are jokes for us they are memories."
:D
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
:D
(http://terri0729.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/lol-cats-human-171.jpg)
:ptdr: :ptdr:
:D
A man visits his granny in the nursing home. When he arrives, she is asleep, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, watches television and eats some peanuts from a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the granny wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished all the peanuts bowl. "I'm so sorry, granny, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dear," granny replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't like them anyway."
:D
:lol:
:D
(http://www.tacomaworld.com/forum/attachments/off-topic-discussion/183222d1354694982-funny-pictures-funny-angry-birds-africa.jpg)
:D
Here's mine
Which is the favorite channel of all the snakes?
Ans: Hisssss-tory!!
:D
Tom wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tom looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Tom asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Tom asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - Priceless
:D
(http://factoryjoe.s3.amazonaws.com/emoticons/emoticon-0148-yes.gif)
Quote from: jafranklin05 on 23 January 2013 à 10:58:24
Here's mine
Which is the favorite channel of all the snakes?
Ans: Hisssss-tory!!
(http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRpOzV5E64gVlmO1UEyS6sECKdAAKYMDVpqo65Qnx3XH4CacF7H7pvHlCHE)
Hisssss-tory is niccccceeeeee ...
:D
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said:
- I forgot my teeth.
The man said:
- No problem.
With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.
- Try these - he said.
The speaker tried them.
- Too loose - he said.
The man then said:
- I have another pair...try these.
The speaker tried them and responded:
- Too tight.
The man was not taken back at all. He then said:
- I have one more pair of false teeth...try them.
The speaker said:
- They fit perfectly.
With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
- I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist.
The man replied:
- I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker.
:D
:lol:
:D
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, `You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I`ll give you each a dollar if you`ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.`
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. `This recession`s really putting a big dent in my income,` he told them. `From now on, I`ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.`
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
`Look,` he said, `I haven`t received my Social Security check yet, so I`m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?`
`A freakin` quarter?` the drum leader exclaimed. `If you think we`re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you`re nuts! No way, dude. We quit!` And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
:D
:D
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims:
- Damn, some asshole has my pen!
:siflotte:
:D
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."
:D
:cpopossib:
(http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/picture/armystrong75/StupidShit.png)
:/
:electric: :electric: :electric:
:D
(http://funny-pictures-blog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/stupid-moments.jpg)
:siflotte:
:D
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
:lol:
Irish Declare War On France
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
:siflotte:
One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,
"Well what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
:D
:frenchy: An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends. "Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians."
The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, "I can't say about the police and the trains, but you're probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks are British and the waiters are French - and the customers are all Americans." :ptdr:
:D
Two students had an important exam coming up. They decided to party instead of preparing themselves. On the day of the exam they showed up telling the teacher that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have one more day to study. That evening, both of the boys studied all night long until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
When they arrived at school the next morning, they were told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. As each sat down, they read the first question:For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be easy. Then, the test continued:For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.
:D
:ptdr: :lol: :ptdr:
:lol:
:D
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
:lol:
:D
Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
:D