Author Topic: Fun, Jokes and more ...  (Read 11074 times)

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Offline Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #30 on: 19 January 2012 à 15:23:10 »

Offline SEARCHER

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #31 on: 20 January 2012 à 07:31:49 »
 :D Hi Folks


Nothing On From The Waist Down

 
A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his

grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on

from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in

the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the

waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out

here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's

idea."


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Offline modesti

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #32 on: 20 January 2012 à 09:26:43 »
:ptdr:
Last Unicorn of L'Alliance Francophone
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Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases. (Harvard's Law, as Applied to Computers)

Offline Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #33 on: 20 January 2012 à 16:32:44 »


Offline SEARCHER

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #34 on: 21 January 2012 à 07:37:24 »
 :D Hi Folks




Be Quiet

 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding

down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your

heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky

for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good

mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."


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Offline Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #35 on: 21 January 2012 à 13:10:24 »
Mistranslations I Love

We had to show you why those of us who produce the alphaDictionary site here at The Lexiteria, also handle large and small translation jobs. We must put an end to non-professional translations. Or would that remove too much enjoyment from our travels? Check for new additions below frequently.

Western Europe

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

In an Italian cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

In a Swiss Mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer in Germany: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

On the grounds of a private school in Scotland: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

I will have some other bad translations tomorrow.

Offline peluche

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #36 on: 21 January 2012 à 14:12:56 »
I like !  :ptdr:

Offline modesti

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #37 on: 21 January 2012 à 15:25:09 »
Great !

This leaves good days for human translation ;)
Last Unicorn of L'Alliance Francophone
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Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases. (Harvard's Law, as Applied to Computers)

Offline SEARCHER

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #38 on: 22 January 2012 à 07:38:34 »
 :D Hi Folks


Sick Most Mornings

 

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,

"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and

says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant -

about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says,

"Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!

Have you, Debbie?"

Debbie says,

"No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five

minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies,

"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this

happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the

hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it!"


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Offline Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #39 on: 22 January 2012 à 11:24:04 »
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Eastern Europe

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

From the "Soviet Weekly": HERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Australia & New Zealand (say, don't they speak English there?)

On a poster in Sydney : ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a New Zealand restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

On a highway sign in Australia: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER; THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

Far East
NEW ADDITIONS FROM CHINA


In 2002, a sign in front of a rock garden in the Forbidden City in Beijing warned tourists: PLEASE DO NOT CLIMB THE ROCKETRY.

Sign over the information booth in a Beijing railroad station: QUESTION AUTHORITY

Included with the package of complimentary wares in a Chinese hotel was a pair of workout shorts marked: UNCOMPLIMENTARY PANTS.

A paragliding site near Beijing has a sign that reads: SITE OF JUMPING UMBRELLA.

The translation of the Ethnic Minorities Park in Beijing for a long time was RACIST PARK.

—From the BBC News (http://news.bbc.co.uk:80/2/hi/asia-pacific/6052800.stm); brought to our attention by Susan Lister.
Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES; IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Translated from Japanese to English and included in the instructions for a soap bubble gun: WHILE SOLUTION IS NOT TOXIC IT WILL NOT MAKE CHILD EDIBLE.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED.

Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Offline SEARCHER

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #40 on: 23 January 2012 à 07:29:33 »
 :D  :ptdr:  :D


 :D Hi Folks


Have You Found Jesus Yet ? 

 
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by

the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right

back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up

and says,

"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this

time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,

"Man, have you found Jesus yet?"

Gasping for air the drunk answer the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he drowned."


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Offline modesti

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #41 on: 23 January 2012 à 09:20:00 »
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Last Unicorn of L'Alliance Francophone
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Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases. (Harvard's Law, as Applied to Computers)

Offline SEARCHER

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #42 on: 24 January 2012 à 07:26:45 »
 :D Hi Folks


Smack

 
In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a

spectacular looking blonde and a really ugly woman.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark

tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the

tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by

mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly woman, who in turn must have slapped his face"

The ugly woman thought - "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That f*****g Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack

that French twat again".


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Offline JeromeC

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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #43 on: 24 January 2012 à 13:26:07 »
 :lol:

Those jokes are really great, I'm sick lately and i feel deezy but you gave me a very good laugh, thanks for that ! Keep on the good entertainment work :D


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Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #44 on: 24 January 2012 à 14:13:50 »
 :hello: Hello JeromeC ,

it´s sad you are sick and you feel`s now not so good. So I hope this 2 Jokes (Sorry I translate this by Google , why I not speak French) can enjoy you and give you a laugh again :

 :D German : Treffen sich zwei blonde Freundinnen im Cafe und unterhalten sich über ihre Freizeitaktivitäten.

Erzählt die eine: "Ich lerne jetzt französisch!"

"Mach das nicht", antwortet darauf die andere, "ich kenne eine, die wäre bei der mündlichen Prüfung beinahe erstickt!"

 :siflotte: French : Deux copines blondes se rencontrer dans un café et parler de leurs activités de loisirs.

 Dit l'un: «J'apprends le français!"

 «Ne fais pas ça», répond l'autre, «je connais quelqu'un qui serait à l'examen oral près étouffé!"

 :D German : Eine Französischlehrerin fragte ihre Klasse, ob "Computer" im Französischen männlich oder weiblich sei und dazu wurden Mädchen und Jungs getrennt befragt und das Ergebnis war folgendes:

Die Mädchen entschieden sich für "männlich", "le computer". Hier einige Begründungen dafür:

- um überhaupt etwas damit anfangen zu können, muss man sie anmachen.
- sie können nicht selbständig denken.
- sie sollen bei Problemen helfen, aber meist sind sie das Problem.

 :siflotte: French : Un enseignant français a demandé à sa classe si "ordinateur" en français, est masculin ou féminin, et pour les filles et les garçons ont été interrogés séparément et le résultat était le suivant:

 Les filles ont opté pour "mâle", "ordinateur le". Voici quelques raisons pour cela:

 - Rien à voir avec cela, vous devez activer sur eux.
 - Ils ne peuvent pas penser par eux-mêmes.
 - Ils doivent aider avec des problèmes, mais ils sont habituellement le problème.

 :siflotte: I hope Jerome the Translation from Google was okay and you can understand all.

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