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Offline SEARCHER

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Fun, Jokes and more ...
« on: 13 January 2013 à 07:41:11 »
 :D Hi Folks,

let`s have a little bit fun :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81szj1vpEu8


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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #1 on: 16 January 2013 à 19:55:19 »
 :D

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.

After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went.

She said, "I think I broke his gambling".

The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."

"DAMN!" said the father.

"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.

Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"



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Offline ousermaatre

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #2 on: 16 January 2013 à 23:58:00 »
 :ptdr: :ptdr: a smart boy

Offline modesti

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #3 on: 17 January 2013 à 11:13:45 »
:lol:
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Offline Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #4 on: 19 January 2013 à 02:18:11 »
Portugal
A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room.
''Diploma,'' the friend calls after her, ''bring us two cups of coffee.''
''Diploma? What an odd name,'' says the visitor. ''How did she get it?''
The friend sighs. ''I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that's what she came back with.''

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #5 on: 19 January 2013 à 07:24:08 »
 :ptdr:
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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #6 on: 19 January 2013 à 15:13:45 »
Europe tour on jokes

Portugal
On Spaniards – “- How do you recognize a Spaniard in a library?” “- He is the only one to look after a world map of Madrid ”

Spain
On Portuguese and Galician – “Portugal is the only country in the world where a man’s mistress is uglier than his wife”

France
On Belgians – “Two Belgians are driving a truck and arrive at a bridge with a warning sign: maximum height 4 meters. They get off and measure their truck. It’s 6 meters high. “What shall we do?” asks the one. “I don’t see any police” says the other one “so let’s drive on””

Luxembourg
On Belgians – “Helicopter crashes in a Belgian cemetery. The rescue teams have already found 100 dead people.”

Beligum
On French – “-Why do we say ‘going to the toilets’ in France and ‘going to the toilet’ in Belgium ?”“- Because in France, you have to visit many of them before finding one clean enough”.

On Dutch – “- Why do the Dutch people love the Belgian-jokes so much?”
“- They are cheap”.

United-Kingdom
On Ireland – “Then there was the cross-eyed Irish teacher who resigned because he had no control over his pupils.”

Ireland
On English – “- What does an Englishman do for thrills?” “- Eats an After Eight mint at 7:30”.

Norway
On Swedes – “Ole (Norwegian) and Sven (Swedish) went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish. Ole says, “The way I figger it, Sven, each of them fish cost us $400 !”. “Well, at dat price it’s a good ting we didn’t catch any more of em than we did,” says Sven.

Sweden
On Norwegians – “-How do you say ‘genius’ in Norway?” “- A tourist”

On Danes – “- Why do Danish people never play hide and seek?” “- Because nobody wants to look for them”

On Finns – “The difference between a Finnish wedding and a Finnish funeral is that at a funeral there’s one person not having vodka.”

Finland
On Swedes – “- What is the difference between Swedes and Finns?” “-The Swedes have nice neighbors!”

Denmark
On Swedes – “Keep Denmark clean – show a Swede to the ferry.”

On other Scandinavians – “Two men were sitting on a bench in a park. The first was drunk, and the other was also Finn. ”

Iceland
On Danes – “Hey, I’m Danish”

Netherlands
On Belgians – “- Why wasn’t Jesus born in Belgium?” “-God couldn’t find three wise men in Belgium”.

Germany
On Poles – “ – What do you call it when 2 whites are pushing a car?” “-White Power” “-What do you call it when 2 blacks are pushing a car?” “- Black Power” “- What do you call it when 2 Poles are pushing a car?” “- Grand theft auto”

Poland
On Germany – “- What is the name of this German who always hides my glasses?” “-Alzheimer, grandpa!”

Switzerland
On Austrians – “Why is the Austrian flag ‘red-white-red’?” “- So that they can’t raise it upside-down”.

On Belgians – “Did you know the Belgian Ministry of Transport has introduced a new sign?
It reads “End of Roundabout”.

Italy
On Italians –  “- What do you call an Italian with his hands in his pocket?” “- A mute”

Austria
On Germans – “The Prime Ministers of Germany and Austria met to exchange notes. “How are things in Germany?” asked the Prime Minister of Austria. The German sighed, “Well, in Germany the situation is serious,” he said, “but not hopeless.” “In Austria the situation is hopeless,” the Austrian Prime Minister replied, “but not serious.””

Czech Republic
On Slovakians – “The Slovak language has been invented by Stur has he was drunk and tried to translate Russian to Czech”

Slovakia
On Czech – “A Slovak man, a Polskie man and a Czech man buy German cars. The Slovak man buys a Mercedes-Benz, The Polskie man buys a BMW. And the Czech man buys a Trabant”.

Lithuania
On Estonians – “-Why is that in Estonia young mothers change their children’s nappy only once a day?” “-Because there is a note written on the packet: up to 4 kg.”

Latvia
On Estonians – “In the film “Matrix” the stand-in of the main character Neo was Estonian.”

On Latvians –  “-Why are Latvians the best in the world ?” “-Because our living standard is twice as bad than that of Estonians, but we laugh about them twice as loud.”

Estonia
On Finns – “- How do you know that you’re talking to an extrovert Finn?” “- When conversing with you, he’s looking at your feet instead of his own”

Hungary
On Scotsmen – “Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbours.”

Ukraine
On Moldavians – “A father and child are in a museum discussing the theory of evolution when the child asks if Moldovians evolved from apes. The father reminds the child that apes evolved from Moldovians.”

On (new) Russians – “Two New Russians: “- Look, I bought a tie for 3 thousand bucks!” “- Idiot, I saw the same tie for 5 thousand bucks round the corner!”

Romania
On Hungarians – “- How do you get a Hungarian out of the bath tub?” “-Throw in a bar of soap”.

On Albanians – “- How can you stop an Albanian tank?” “- You shoot the soldier that is pushing it”.

On Scotsmen – “McManus donates a lot of money to charity but likes to remain anonymous. He even forgets to sign his name on the cheques.”

On Romanians – “-What is small, dark, and knocking at the door?” “- The future

Moldova
On Ukrainians – “In USA, “C” means cold, “H” hot. In Western Europe, red means hot & blue means cold. In Ukraine, blue is “voda” and red is “nema”

On Romanians – “What’s big, black, noisy, makes a lot of smoke and cuts carrots in five?” “-The Romanian machine for cutting carrots in four”.

Slovenia
On Bosnians – “A Slovene, a Bosnian and a Montenegrin run a 100-meter race. The Slovene wins. Why? The Montenegrin gave up, and the Bosnian lost his way.

Serbia
On Bosnians – “Mujo, haven’t you heard, the male gorilla in the Sarajevo Zoo is seriously ill and the female gorilla is going crazy without sex. They are now looking for somebody to replace the male gorilla and they are willing to pay up to 5,000 marks!” says Suljo. Mujo responds, “Oh yes, I heard, but where will I find 5,000 marks?”

On Montenegrins – “Why did the Montengrin become so lazy? Because the Bosnian once said to him: “Let me explain…”

On Albanians – “An Albanian goes in a shopping area to sell some clothes he had stolen previously, but another thief robs him. When he returns home his wife asks him: – “So, did you earn anything?” – “No,” – replies the thief, “this time I sold at cost price!””

Croatia
On Bosnians – ““I think, therefore I am,” says a Bosnian and disappears without a trace.”

Bosnia and Herzegovina
On Germans – “A Bosnian interviews for a job in Germany. “Where are you from?” asks the employer. “From Bosnia!” “Oh, I know,” says the German, “you Bosnians are known to be lazy.” “Oh no, sir,” responds the Bosnian, “those are the Montenegrins. We Bosnians are stupid!”

On Bosnians – “Fata is taken by intensive care in city hospital. Mujo is waiting for doctor in front of main entrance. Doctor came out and talked to Mujo: – “Your Fata is not looking good” – “Doctor, I know that, but she is good cooker, she is good with our children and that is the reason why she is my wife”

Bulgaria
On Macedonians – “- What do you call a Bulgarian trying to understand Macedonian history/matters?” – A person without a chance”.

On Bulgarians – “Why don’t people from Gabrovo buy refrigerators?” “- Because they can’t be sure the light goes off when the door’s closed”.

Albania
On Greeks – “- What do you call a greek with 300 hundred wifes?” “- A Shepherd”

Macedonia
On Greeks – “A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.” Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.” The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics”. The Italian, nodding agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire.”And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.””

Greece
On Albanians – “- What’s the fastest thing in Kosovo?” “- An Albanian with your TV” “- And what’s the second fastest thing in Kosovo?” “- His cousin with your VCR”.

Turkey
On Greeks – “A Greek and a Turki were sitting at a party. Someone told a turkish Joke and the Greek guy got offended. The Greek guy walked up to the Turki and asked him, “Don’t you get offended when you hear these Turki jokes.” The Turki replied, “for you they are jokes for us they are memories.”

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #7 on: 21 January 2013 à 07:19:20 »
 :D



A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"



 :D
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Offline Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #8 on: 21 January 2013 à 09:57:33 »

Offline modesti

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #9 on: 21 January 2013 à 10:58:35 »
:ptdr: :ptdr:
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Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases. (Harvard's Law, as Applied to Computers)

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #10 on: 22 January 2013 à 07:30:04 »
 :D


A man visits his granny in the nursing home. When he arrives, she is asleep, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, watches television and eats some peanuts from a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the granny wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished all the peanuts bowl. "I'm so sorry, granny, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dear," granny replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't like them anyway."



 :D
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Offline modesti

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #11 on: 22 January 2013 à 09:26:19 »
:lol:
Last Unicorn of L'Alliance Francophone
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Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases. (Harvard's Law, as Applied to Computers)

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #12 on: 23 January 2013 à 07:53:35 »
 :D





 :D
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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #13 on: 23 January 2013 à 10:58:24 »
Here's mine
Which is the favorite channel of all the snakes?
Ans: Hisssss-tory!!

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #14 on: 24 January 2013 à 10:01:53 »
 :D


Tom wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tom looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:

 

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

 

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Tom asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

 

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

 

Confused, Tom asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

 

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"


A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing - Priceless



 :D
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