Author Topic: Fun, Jokes and more ...  (Read 6907 times)

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Offline modesti

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #15 on: 24 January 2013 à 10:16:37 »

Last Unicorn of L'Alliance Francophone
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Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases. (Harvard's Law, as Applied to Computers)

Offline Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #16 on: 24 January 2013 à 19:17:59 »
Here's mine
Which is the favorite channel of all the snakes?
Ans: Hisssss-tory!!



Hisssss-tory is niccccceeeeee ...

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #17 on: 25 January 2013 à 10:53:06 »
 :D

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said:

- I forgot my teeth.

The man said:

- No problem.

With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.

- Try these - he said.

The speaker tried them.

- Too loose - he said.

The man then said:

- I have another pair...try these.

The speaker tried them and responded:

- Too tight.

The man was not taken back at all. He then said:

- I have one more pair of false teeth...try them.

The speaker said:

- They fit perfectly.

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

- I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist.

The man replied:

- I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker.


 :D
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Offline modesti

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #18 on: 25 January 2013 à 13:01:43 »
:lol:
Last Unicorn of L'Alliance Francophone
---
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases. (Harvard's Law, as Applied to Computers)

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #19 on: 26 January 2013 à 07:29:05 »
 :D

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

 The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, `You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I`ll give you each a dollar if you`ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.`

 The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

 After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. `This recession`s really putting a big dent in my income,` he told them. `From now on, I`ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.`

 The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

 `Look,` he said, `I haven`t received my Social Security check yet, so I`m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?`

 `A freakin` quarter?` the drum leader exclaimed. `If you think we`re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you`re nuts! No way, dude. We quit!` And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.


 :D
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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #20 on: 27 January 2013 à 10:58:48 »
 :D

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims:

- Damn, some asshole has my pen!



 :siflotte:
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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #21 on: 28 January 2013 à 08:29:40 »
 :D

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

 :D
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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #22 on: 29 January 2013 à 08:37:23 »
 :cpopossib:




 :/
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Offline modesti

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #23 on: 29 January 2013 à 10:48:41 »
:electric: :electric: :electric:
Last Unicorn of L'Alliance Francophone
---
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases. (Harvard's Law, as Applied to Computers)

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #24 on: 30 January 2013 à 07:35:56 »
 :D




 :siflotte:
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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #25 on: 31 January 2013 à 07:42:21 »
 :D

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"




 :lol:
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Offline Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #26 on: 31 January 2013 à 16:12:19 »
Irish Declare War On France

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #27 on: 01 February 2013 à 07:22:33 »
 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #28 on: 01 February 2013 à 07:24:54 »
 :siflotte:

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,

"Well what should we do about this?"

Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."


 :D
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Offline Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA

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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #29 on: 01 February 2013 à 12:18:54 »
 :frenchy: An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends. "Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians."

    The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, "I can't say about the police and the trains, but you're probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks are British and the waiters are French - and the customers are all Americans."  :ptdr: