Author Topic: Fun, Jokes and more ...  (Read 432 times)

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Fun, Jokes and more ...
« on: 03 January 2017 à 12:47:59 »
 :D

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.

After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went.

She said, "I think I broke his gambling".

The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."

"DAMN!" said the father.

"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.

Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"




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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #1 on: 03 January 2017 à 13:22:19 »


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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #2 on: 04 January 2017 à 07:29:34 »
 :D

Tom wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tom looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:

 

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

 

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Tom asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

 

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

 

Confused, Tom asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

 

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"


A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing - Priceless


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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #3 on: 04 January 2017 à 07:31:54 »


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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #4 on: 05 January 2017 à 07:21:56 »
 :D

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"



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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #5 on: 05 January 2017 à 07:29:28 »


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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #6 on: 06 January 2017 à 12:33:26 »
 :D

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

 The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, `You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I`ll give you each a dollar if you`ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.`

 The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

 After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. `This recession`s really putting a big dent in my income,` he told them. `From now on, I`ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.`

 The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

 `Look,` he said, `I haven`t received my Social Security check yet, so I`m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?`

 `A freakin` quarter?` the drum leader exclaimed. `If you think we`re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you`re nuts! No way, dude. We quit!` And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.


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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #7 on: 06 January 2017 à 12:36:10 »


 :D
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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #8 on: 07 January 2017 à 07:31:00 »
 :D

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims:

- Damn, some asshole has my pen!



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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #9 on: 07 January 2017 à 07:32:30 »


 :D
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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #10 on: 08 January 2017 à 07:30:10 »
 :D

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said:

- I forgot my teeth.

The man said:

- No problem.

With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.

- Try these - he said.

The speaker tried them.

- Too loose - he said.

The man then said:

- I have another pair...try these.

The speaker tried them and responded:

- Too tight.

The man was not taken back at all. He then said:

- I have one more pair of false teeth...try them.

The speaker said:

- They fit perfectly.

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

- I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist.

The man replied:

- I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker.


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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #11 on: 08 January 2017 à 07:33:54 »


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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #12 on: 09 January 2017 à 07:27:24 »
 :D

A man visits his granny in the nursing home. When he arrives, she is asleep, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, watches television and eats some peanuts from a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the granny wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished all the peanuts bowl. "I'm so sorry, granny, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dear," granny replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't like them anyway."



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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #13 on: 09 January 2017 à 07:29:42 »


 :D
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Re: Fun, Jokes and more ...
« Reply #14 on: 10 January 2017 à 07:22:48 »
 :D

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."


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