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Racine => Charity Race 2012 => Topic started by: SEARCHER on 07 January 2012 à 16:29:36

Title: Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 07 January 2012 à 16:29:36
 :D Hello Folks,

let´s have a little bit Fun and make Party same here :

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGy6txj8FQ0  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGy6txj8FQ0)

 :clafete: Remi Rules !!!

 :sun: SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 08 January 2012 à 07:53:54
  :D Hi Folks,

Girls Night Out

 Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you !

 :sun:  SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: JeromeC on 08 January 2012 à 08:40:18
 :lol:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA on 08 January 2012 à 20:16:58
Irish Bad News

(http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/phone_pub.jpg)

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.  Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.   Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.' Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.  Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.'  I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: aendgraend on 08 January 2012 à 21:03:55
 :biglol:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: modesti on 08 January 2012 à 22:41:25
Excellent! :lol:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 09 January 2012 à 07:30:49
 :biglol: Great Duke   :ptdr:

 :jap: SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 10 January 2012 à 07:33:18
 :D Hi Folks,

Bra types

 A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

 :sun: SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: modesti on 10 January 2012 à 07:39:24
:ptdr:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA on 10 January 2012 à 12:42:25
Nice ...  :hap:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA on 10 January 2012 à 16:17:12
Can You Help Me?

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: cottesloe on 10 January 2012 à 18:22:16
 :lol:
Very smart, isn't it?
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: cottesloe on 10 January 2012 à 18:31:21

Two very old women, friends of long time, take tea. One says to another:
- You remember when we had 20 years. We wanted to look like Brigitte Bardot
- Yes, we were young ...
- Well now it's done, we are like her!

 :siflotte:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: JeromeC on 10 January 2012 à 23:15:45
Correct, the only star it's easy to look like :D
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA on 11 January 2012 à 00:24:24
Employer to applicant: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”



Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The applicant said, “In the neighborhood of $ 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years – say, a red Corvette?”
The applicant sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”



When you hire people that are smarter than you are, you prove you are smarter than they are.
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 12 January 2012 à 11:05:21
 :D Hi Folks,

Jokes For Blondes

There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven.

God says, "There are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.

Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, "what are you laughing about?", so she replies, "I just got the first joke!".

 :sun:  SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 13 January 2012 à 09:34:00
 :D Hi Folks,

Back Sit

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''
The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''

 :sun: SEARCHER

Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: ousermaatre on 14 January 2012 à 03:53:13
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 14 January 2012 à 12:20:46
 :D Hi Folks,

Small World
 
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.

They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!"

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"

The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat."

He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"

 :sun:  SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 14 January 2012 à 21:07:04
 :D Hi Folks,

Devil`s Sister 

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

 :sun: SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA on 15 January 2012 à 12:41:11
 :siflotte: I was married so many times that maybe the devil has no more sisters.  :siflotte:
Title: Re : Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: Christopher Herr on 15 January 2012 à 13:51:08
:siflotte: I was married so many times that maybe the devil has no more sisters.  :siflotte:
I do not think your current wife would like to read or hear that, Duke... :siflotte: :gniak:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA on 15 January 2012 à 17:54:07
(http://www.acclaimimages.com/_gallery/_images_n300/mad_wife.jpg)

 :/ She is waitting CH. No she LOL of my crazy sentences and then she beats me. I am all marked. :cry:

(http://autoandrive.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/large20image.jpg)

 :eek: She is beating me right now. :cpopossib:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 16 January 2012 à 07:34:27
 :D Hi Folks,

The camels

 
The little camel asks his mother:

Mum why do we have these big humps?

Because in these hump there is some water and in the hot desert we can

drink.

And mum. Why do we have this large fur?

Because the dessert at night is so cold and then we don't feel cold.

And mum. Why do we got these big hoofs.

Because the desert the sand is hot and the hoofs save us from the hot

sand.

But mum. What the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?

 :sun: SEARCHER

Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: ousermaatre on 16 January 2012 à 15:28:05
The Morocco, a tourist would like to rent a camel for a ride day in the desert.
The cameleer explain how advance his steed.


1 To move them to be, suffice it to say: God bless you!


2 To move them faster, suffice it to say: Hurry up!


3. To stop, it must be said: Amen!


The tourist said that all it is not well complicated air. It just so his camel and
share in the desert. After about an hour of drive to be, he sue for large drops and
What better then than to advance faster his camel to the breeze.


-"Hurry up!" shouts his mount and think the beast at high speed, bringing him the fresh air, which relieves.


Suddenly, the tourist sees in the distance a huge cliff, it's coming right on top with his camel.
Petrified by fear, he did recall over how to stop the beast. The gap close more
He began to pray to the sky and ends his sentence by Amen!


Just in time, the camel stops within 1 m of the vacuum. The tourist is relieved, to sponge the front
and thank the Lord: "God bless you!"


.............


Excuse me for the text, i'm mot sure for the translation.
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 17 January 2012 à 07:53:13
 :D No Problem ousermaatre , I understand your Joke.  :D

 :frenchy: SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA on 17 January 2012 à 13:41:03
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/demotivational-posters-that-awkward-moment.jpg)
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 18 January 2012 à 07:26:56
 :D Hi Folks,


I've Had A Course In First Aid 
 

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy

intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman

rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man

emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right

honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and

prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped

him on the shoulder and said,

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

 :sun: SEARCHER

Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: modesti on 18 January 2012 à 08:54:22
(http://factoryjoe.s3.amazonaws.com/emoticons/emoticon-0136-giggle.gif)
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 19 January 2012 à 07:36:48
 :D Hi Folks,

The Chauffeur

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the

driver, "Why don't you let me drive for ones."

The driver thinks to him self, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's

the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was

having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while

the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you

might get pulled over."

The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls

up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he

gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the

tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can

you hold on a minute."

The Pope says, "sure"

The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says,

"guys I just pulled over some one really important."

They ask who, "The President?."

"No more important."

"The president of another country."

"No more important."

"An ambassador."

"No even more important."

"Well who is it."

"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."


 :sun: SEARCHER

Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA on 19 January 2012 à 15:23:10
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-13EXDuY84oI/TfjXuTt-TCI/AAAAAAAAApM/cUkplvpv6fo/s640/lol-30.gif)
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 20 January 2012 à 07:31:49
 :D Hi Folks


Nothing On From The Waist Down

 
A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his

grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on

from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in

the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the

waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out

here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's

idea."


 :sun: SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: modesti on 20 January 2012 à 09:26:43
:ptdr:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA on 20 January 2012 à 16:32:44
(http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=1524066291028&id=4e2eadc828c63a9f2a3331bd61492977)
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_BIoBL6FGcBw/TBsMS9BFbfI/AAAAAAAAAKo/hJGGj4p1T5A/s1600/happy-face-770659.png)
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 21 January 2012 à 07:37:24
 :D Hi Folks




Be Quiet

 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding

down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your

heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky

for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good

mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."


 :sun: SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA on 21 January 2012 à 13:10:24
Mistranslations I Love

We had to show you why those of us who produce the alphaDictionary site here at The Lexiteria, also handle large and small translation jobs. We must put an end to non-professional translations. Or would that remove too much enjoyment from our travels? Check for new additions below frequently.

Western Europe

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

In an Italian cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

In a Swiss Mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer in Germany: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

On the grounds of a private school in Scotland: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

I will have some other bad translations tomorrow.
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: peluche on 21 January 2012 à 14:12:56
I like !  :ptdr:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: modesti on 21 January 2012 à 15:25:09
Great !

This leaves good days for human translation ;)
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 22 January 2012 à 07:38:34
 :D Hi Folks


Sick Most Mornings

 

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,

"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and

says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant -

about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says,

"Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!

Have you, Debbie?"

Debbie says,

"No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five

minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies,

"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this

happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the

hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it!"


 :sun: SEARCHER

Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: Duke of Buckingham SETI.USA on 22 January 2012 à 11:24:04
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Eastern Europe

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

From the "Soviet Weekly": HERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Australia & New Zealand (say, don't they speak English there?)

On a poster in Sydney : ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a New Zealand restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

On a highway sign in Australia: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER; THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

Far East
NEW ADDITIONS FROM CHINA


In 2002, a sign in front of a rock garden in the Forbidden City in Beijing warned tourists: PLEASE DO NOT CLIMB THE ROCKETRY.

Sign over the information booth in a Beijing railroad station: QUESTION AUTHORITY

Included with the package of complimentary wares in a Chinese hotel was a pair of workout shorts marked: UNCOMPLIMENTARY PANTS.

A paragliding site near Beijing has a sign that reads: SITE OF JUMPING UMBRELLA.

The translation of the Ethnic Minorities Park in Beijing for a long time was RACIST PARK.

—From the BBC News (http://news.bbc.co.uk:80/2/hi/asia-pacific/6052800.stm); brought to our attention by Susan Lister.
Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES; IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Translated from Japanese to English and included in the instructions for a soap bubble gun: WHILE SOLUTION IS NOT TOXIC IT WILL NOT MAKE CHILD EDIBLE.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED.

Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 23 January 2012 à 07:29:33
 :D  :ptdr:  :D


 :D Hi Folks


Have You Found Jesus Yet ? 

 
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by

the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right

back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up

and says,

"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this

time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,

"Man, have you found Jesus yet?"

Gasping for air the drunk answer the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he drowned."


 :sun: SEARCHER

Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: modesti on 23 January 2012 à 09:20:00
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 24 January 2012 à 07:26:45
 :D Hi Folks


Smack

 
In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a

spectacular looking blonde and a really ugly woman.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark

tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the

tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by

mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly woman, who in turn must have slapped his face"

The ugly woman thought - "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That f*****g Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack

that French twat again".


 :sun: SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: JeromeC on 24 January 2012 à 13:26:07
 :lol:

Those jokes are really great, I'm sick lately and i feel deezy but you gave me a very good laugh, thanks for that ! Keep on the good entertainment work :D

Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 24 January 2012 à 14:13:50
 :hello: Hello JeromeC ,

it´s sad you are sick and you feel`s now not so good. So I hope this 2 Jokes (Sorry I translate this by Google , why I not speak French) can enjoy you and give you a laugh again :

 :D German : Treffen sich zwei blonde Freundinnen im Cafe und unterhalten sich über ihre Freizeitaktivitäten.

Erzählt die eine: "Ich lerne jetzt französisch!"

"Mach das nicht", antwortet darauf die andere, "ich kenne eine, die wäre bei der mündlichen Prüfung beinahe erstickt!"

 :siflotte: French : Deux copines blondes se rencontrer dans un café et parler de leurs activités de loisirs.

 Dit l'un: «J'apprends le français!"

 «Ne fais pas ça», répond l'autre, «je connais quelqu'un qui serait à l'examen oral près étouffé!"

 :D German : Eine Französischlehrerin fragte ihre Klasse, ob "Computer" im Französischen männlich oder weiblich sei und dazu wurden Mädchen und Jungs getrennt befragt und das Ergebnis war folgendes:

Die Mädchen entschieden sich für "männlich", "le computer". Hier einige Begründungen dafür:

- um überhaupt etwas damit anfangen zu können, muss man sie anmachen.
- sie können nicht selbständig denken.
- sie sollen bei Problemen helfen, aber meist sind sie das Problem.

 :siflotte: French : Un enseignant français a demandé à sa classe si "ordinateur" en français, est masculin ou féminin, et pour les filles et les garçons ont été interrogés séparément et le résultat était le suivant:

 Les filles ont opté pour "mâle", "ordinateur le". Voici quelques raisons pour cela:

 - Rien à voir avec cela, vous devez activer sur eux.
 - Ils ne peuvent pas penser par eux-mêmes.
 - Ils doivent aider avec des problèmes, mais ils sont habituellement le problème.

 :siflotte: I hope Jerome the Translation from Google was okay and you can understand all.

 :jap: SEARCHER

 
Title: Re : Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: maugou on 24 January 2012 à 15:18:23
Je me permets une version française un peu plus pointue :desole:

1. Deux copines blondes se rencontrent dans un café et parlent de leurs activités de loisirs.

    Une dit: «J'apprends le français!"

    «Ne fais pas ça», répond l'autre, «je connais quelqu'un qui s'est presque étouffé à l'examen oral!"

2. Un enseignant français a demandé à sa classe si "ordinateur" en français, est masculin ou féminin, et pour cela les filles et les garçons ont été interrogés séparément et le résultat était le suivant:

 Les filles ont opté pour "mâle", "le ordinateur". Voici quelques raisons pour cela:

 - Pour commencer à en tirer quelque-chose, il faut les allumer.
 - Ils ne peuvent pas penser par eux-mêmes.
 - Ils devraient aider à résoudre des problèmes, mais ils sont habituellement le problème.

;)
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 24 January 2012 à 15:52:29
 :oki: Merci, Thank you, Dankeschön maugou,

 :cpopossib: I think GOOGLE was not good to Translate a Joke from German to French  :sarcastic: .

 :jap: SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: modesti on 24 January 2012 à 18:50:02
All the more that, what Germans understand by "French" is untranslatable "as is" ;)

Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 24 January 2012 à 18:55:40
 :spamafote: Yes modesti I can see it by the Post from maugou .  ;) But I hope now Jerome can understand my Jokes.

 :jap: SEARCHER

 :/ I think it`s better I only Post Jokes in English.
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 25 January 2012 à 07:40:10
 :D Hi Folks


Completely Blind 

 
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual

contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions.

If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood

that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor

said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and

told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned

the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked

and gave him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked,

"What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said,

"I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.

"What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."


 :sun: SEARCHER

Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: modesti on 25 January 2012 à 09:20:49
:lol: well done !
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: ousermaatre on 25 January 2012 à 17:26:32
exactly sir !  :chefouichef:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: JeromeC on 25 January 2012 à 23:09:12
Google trad is not working very well for jokes :D

Thanks maug' !
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 26 January 2012 à 07:36:34
 :D Hi Folks


The Final Exam

 
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the

UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new

students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two

hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very

strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in

exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the

professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as

he handed the student a booklet. " Yes I will," replied the student. He

then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students

filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued

writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was

sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put

his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student

looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter

of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his

voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care,"

replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.


 :sun: SEARCHER

Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 27 January 2012 à 07:26:56
 :D Hi Folks


Door to Door

 
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a

woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms

that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in

their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced

back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the

door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,

she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when

one of them said,

"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."


 :sun: SEARCHER

Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: modesti on 27 January 2012 à 07:31:26
:eek: :bouh: :eek:

Poor cat!
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 28 January 2012 à 07:33:30
 :D Hi Folks



Custody

 
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West

Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce

in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she

had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of

them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked

for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the

mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a

dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to

me or the machine?"

 

 :sun: SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: modesti on 28 January 2012 à 09:25:23
:ptdr: :ptdr: :ptdr:
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 29 January 2012 à 07:21:40
 :D Hi Folks



Speed Trap 

 
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following

exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: This car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's

card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the

woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was

quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to

handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

The driver's license was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a

gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's

a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you

told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the

glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding,

too!


 :sun: SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: modesti on 29 January 2012 à 08:07:00
:lol:

Must remember that for the next time I get caught in a speed trap :siflotte: :D :D :D
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 31 January 2012 à 07:28:01
 :D Hi Folks



Avid Golfer

 
This bloke is an avid golfer, actually he is a golf fanatic. He has an early booking every Saturday morning and plays all day. One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs and goes out to his car to

drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour, there is snow

mixed with the rain and an 80km/h wind is blowing. He comes back

into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel and finds the bad

weather is set for the day. So he puts his clubs away, quietly undresses

and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and

says,"The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can

you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"



 :sun: SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: modesti on 31 January 2012 à 09:41:59
:lol:

Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 02 February 2012 à 07:30:23
 :D HI Folks



Up Close Mystery 

 
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the

stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a

quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers,

"The wife did it."


 :sun:  SEARCHER
Title: Re : Fun, Jokes and more ...
Post by: SEARCHER on 04 February 2012 à 07:52:08
 :D Hi Folks


Horn Accident 

 

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his

car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"



 :sun: SEARCHER