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Racine => Charity Event 2020 => Topic started by: SEARCHER on 03 April 2020 à 14:44:24

Title: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 03 April 2020 à 14:44:24

:D

Genie joke

 A woman is walking along a beach when she finds an old oil lamp.
 She picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie.

 The genie says to the woman, "Thank you for freeing me from the oil lamp.
 I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your horrible ex-husband will get twice as much. What is your first wish?"

 The woman says, "I'd like a million dollars in my bank account, please!"

 The genie says, "You now have a million dollars in your bank account,
 and your ex-husband now has two million dollars. What is your second wish?"

 The woman says, "I've always wanted a nice car. I'd like a brand new
 Rolls-Royce, please!"

 The genie says, "You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage
 at home, and your ex-husband now has two new Rolls-Royces.
 What is your third wish?"

 The woman thought for a while and then said, "I'd like you to remove one
 of my kidneys, please!"


 :siflotte:




Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: modesti on 03 April 2020 à 15:11:04
Rhoooooooo, how mean :D
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: ousermaatre on 03 April 2020 à 17:24:03
 :siflotte: :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 04 April 2020 à 06:47:00
:D


Sick Most Mornings
 
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant -
about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says,
"Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!
Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says,
"No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five
minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies,
"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the
hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it!"



 :siflotte:



Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: ousermaatre on 04 April 2020 à 11:56:18
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/78/44/7e/78447e689798ba77bc6edfdf5c547c50.png)
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 05 April 2020 à 06:42:26
:D

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, “Where are you going ? ”

He said, “I’m going to the doctor. ”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick? ”

“No, he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new

Viagra pills. ”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting

on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going? ”

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too. ”

He said, “Why? ”

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty

old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot. ”



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 05 April 2020 à 13:48:23
 :D

Nun In The Bar


 John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: ousermaatre on 05 April 2020 à 18:48:03
(https://forum.boinc-af.org/Smileys/seti/mplc.gif)
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 06 April 2020 à 06:46:32
 :D

Completely Blind
 
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual
contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions.
If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood
that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor
said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon said, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and
told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned
the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked
and gave him the answers.
So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked,
"What would happen if I cut off one ear?"
Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said,
"I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.
"What if I cut off the other ear?"
"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.
"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"
"My hat would fall down over my eyes."



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: ousermaatre on 06 April 2020 à 07:31:58
 :gloiraseti2: :gloiraseti2: :jeanphi:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 07 April 2020 à 06:48:09
 :D

Small World

 
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.

They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!"

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"

The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat."

He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"



 :siflotte:

Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 08 April 2020 à 06:43:40
 :D

Have You Found Jesus Yet ?

 
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by
the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right
back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up
and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this
time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"Man, have you found Jesus yet?"
Gasping for air the drunk answer the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he drowned."



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: ousermaatre on 08 April 2020 à 07:59:49
 :D :D
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 09 April 2020 à 06:45:25
 :D

Back Sit


 A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''

The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 10 April 2020 à 06:49:31
 :D

Jokes For Blondes


There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven.

God says, "There are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.

Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, "what are you laughing about?", so she replies, "I just got the first joke!".



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 11 April 2020 à 06:39:57
 :D 

Flowers


A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.

The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."

The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"

The brunette says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."

The blonde asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 12 April 2020 à 06:47:37
 :D

Girls Night Out


 Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you !



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: ousermaatre on 12 April 2020 à 12:31:40
(https://forum.boinc-af.org/Smileys/seti/smil45ad4dd85d172.gif)
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 13 April 2020 à 06:48:23
 :D

Bra Types


 A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 14 April 2020 à 06:48:29
 :D

Can You Help Me ?

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 15 April 2020 à 06:47:33
 :D

I've Had A Course In First Aid
 
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman
rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man
emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right
honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped
him on the shoulder and said,
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 16 April 2020 à 06:48:00
 :D

Nothing On From The Waist Down
 
A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on
from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in
the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's
idea."



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 17 April 2020 à 06:47:52
 :D

The Camels
 
The little camel asks his mother:
Mum why do we have these big humps?
Because in these hump there is some water and in the hot desert we can
drink.
And mum. Why do we have this large fur?
Because the dessert at night is so cold and then we don't feel cold.
And mum. Why do we got these big hoofs.
Because the desert the sand is hot and the hoofs save us from the hot
sand.
But mum. What the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 18 April 2020 à 06:40:02
 :D

The Chauffeur

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the
driver, "Why don't you let me drive for ones."
The driver thinks to him self, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's
the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was
having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while
the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you
might get pulled over."
The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls
up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he
gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the
tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can
you hold on a minute."
The Pope says, "sure"
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says,
"guys I just pulled over some one really important."
They ask who, "The President?."
"No more important."
"The president of another country."
"No more important."
"An ambassador."
"No even more important."
"Well who is it."
"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 19 April 2020 à 06:50:17
 :D

Smack
 
In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a
spectacular looking blonde and a really ugly woman.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark
tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the
tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by
mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly woman, who in turn must have slapped his face"
The ugly woman thought - "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That f*****g Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack
that French twat again".



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 20 April 2020 à 06:51:05
 :D

The Final Exam
 
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the
UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new
students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two
hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very
strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in
exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as
he handed the student a booklet. " Yes I will," replied the student. He
then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students
filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued
writing.
1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was
sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put
his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student
looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter
of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his
voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care,"
replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 21 April 2020 à 06:48:40
 :D

Speed Trap
 
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following
exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: This car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
The driver's license was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's
a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding,
too!



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 21 April 2020 à 16:21:30
 :D

Horn Accident
 
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his
car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"



 :siflotte:
Title: Re: Fun and Jokes
Post by: SEARCHER on 22 April 2020 à 06:55:08
 :D

Don't Pee In The Pool
 
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming
pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool!" yells the lifeguard.
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"



 :siflotte: