Fun and Jokes

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Genie joke

 A woman is walking along a beach when she finds an old oil lamp.
 She picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie.

 The genie says to the woman, "Thank you for freeing me from the oil lamp.
 I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your horrible ex-husband will get twice as much. What is your first wish?"

 The woman says, "I'd like a million dollars in my bank account, please!"

 The genie says, "You now have a million dollars in your bank account,
 and your ex-husband now has two million dollars. What is your second wish?"

 The woman says, "I've always wanted a nice car. I'd like a brand new
 Rolls-Royce, please!"

 The genie says, "You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage
 at home, and your ex-husband now has two new Rolls-Royces.
 What is your third wish?"

 The woman thought for a while and then said, "I'd like you to remove one
 of my kidneys, please!"

 

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Rhoooooooo, how mean

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Sick Most Mornings
 
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant -
about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says,
"Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!
Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says,
"No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five
minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies,
"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the
hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it!"


 

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This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, “Where are you going ? ”

He said, “I’m going to the doctor. ”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick? ”

“No, he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new

Viagra pills. ”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting

on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going? ”

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too. ”

He said, “Why? ”

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty

old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot. ”


 

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Nun In The Bar


 John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"


 

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Completely Blind
 
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual
contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions.
If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood
that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor
said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon said, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and
told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned
the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked
and gave him the answers.
So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked,
"What would happen if I cut off one ear?"
Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said,
"I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.
"What if I cut off the other ear?"
"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.
"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"
"My hat would fall down over my eyes."


 

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Small World

 
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.

They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!"

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"

The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat."

He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"


 

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Have You Found Jesus Yet ?

 
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by
the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right
back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up
and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this
time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"Man, have you found Jesus yet?"
Gasping for air the drunk answer the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he drowned."


 

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Back Sit


 A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''

The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''


 

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Jokes For Blondes


There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven.

God says, "There are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.

Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, "what are you laughing about?", so she replies, "I just got the first joke!".